Penn Group

 Barbara Walters, master of televised sympathy, is releasing a new memoir about how much she hates everyone she knows.

Here are a few revelations about the book, gathered from the New York Daily News.

1) Walters had an affair with U.S. Senator William Brooke, the first black senator since the Reconstruction. When he told her that she was the oldest woman he’d ever been with, her response was “Oh yeah? Well you are the blackest man I have ever been with.” Um… zing?

2) Star Jones got fired for being a liar. She didn’t choose to reveal to the View audience that she’d had gastric bypass surgery, and so her co-workers couldn’t mention it on air, which caused them all great psychological trauma. There was, Walters implied, no solution but to let Star go.

 But - shocker! - the recently fired do not tend to be charitable toward their former bosses. Star complained about her termination in an interview, thereby further wounding the delicate feelings of View staffers.

“Star seemed to have a difficult time finding another job. I still feel it might have been easier for her to find a new position if she had left the program in the graceful way we had suggested,” Walters writes, thereby entirely eluding the recognition that taking away someone’s job tends to have just the tiniest little bit of impact on that person’s employment status.

3) Rosie got fired for stealing the spotlight.

“The premise of ‘The View’ is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over,” writes Walters.

Silly Rosie! Everyone knows that Barbara is the only person allowed to do that.